Home <3

I love being home.

Even though I love being in college, I really miss my friends... so it's wonderful to see them.

I'm going to have a wonderful week.

OH! And I'm running my third half marathon this coming Sunday!!!!! Wish me luck! :D

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Commitment.

My questions of the, well, past two weeks. :)
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Where are you attached to being right?

When it comes to certain types of diets and what are the best exercises to do, I want to be right. I know I certainly do not know everything about these subjects. I'm not a personal trainer (yet, I plan to be one day), a dietitian, or an expert on anything to be honest. However, I am knowledgeable about these topics and know a few things from personal experience and some research. However, I can be defensive... just let it go. I don't know everything. :)

What can you thank your community for?

WSU is a very friendly and spirited environment. Most people are kind and willing to help others. We're also a very environmentally friendly and health-conscious school. My school is great. :)


What are you afraid of being judged for?

For certain choices I make, specifically for what I eat. When I first moved here I was known as the super healthy girl, because I was strict about what I was eating (due to my aunts wedding, the fact that I had a possibility of being on the rowing team, and I didn't have many distractions) and I worked out ALL THE TIME. But now I'm losing my focus a bit, and that title is slowly fading. I want to bring that back. I want to be known as the healthy girl that only looks better and better.

There seems to be a lot that I'm afraid of right now. Which is due to stress. Damn college. I love it but... the work is getting to me. :)

What are you devoted to?

I am recommitted to myself. I am devoted to my physical and mental well being. I am also devoted to being a good student, friend, sister, daughter, girlfriend, and humanitarian. <-- In no particular order. I'm devoted to love. Wherever I can give it. :)

What brings you bliss?

My family, friends, boyfriend, truly learning/understanding something, running, a kick ass workout of any kind, accomplishing a goal/task, de-cluttering my physical environment and mind, and that I have the ability to enjoy life... No matter how dark my mind can be, I can always see the light.

Where are you not being in your word?

My word as of late is: devoted. That's a good word. I want to be more devoted to finishing my weight loss. I'm refocusing. I will do it, I am doing it.


A life of gratitude is a life of awe.

~Call someone tonight and thank them for loving you, for being in your life. Express your gratitude to them. Giving and receiving are one.~


Who could you be more generous with?

I could be more generous with this girl that lives in my hall. I should open a door for her and tell her that I'm here if she needs to talk. She cuts herself, and she isn't the kind of person to really talk about personal stuff... so it's difficult to really connect with her. But I should let her know that I see what she's doing, and I care about her, and that she can talk to me about it whenever she's ready.



What have you been wanting to say but are not saying?

That I'm absolutely terrified that I'm going to start gaining weight, and no matter what I do I wont be able to stop myself. It's easy to lose track of what I'm consuming, which is why I do my best to write in a food diary (you write down everything you eat, and I also keep track of calories). But of course, on weekends I fail at it, then eat dumb shit. This was Halloween weekend, and I shouldn't be so damn hard on myself. Let go. Live healthy. Treat your body as a temple. It's okay. I'm just maintaining my weight right now, I'm not gaining anything drastic. CHILL. ha, ha. :)

liveSTRONG

Ever since mid November of last year, I wore one of these bracelets everyday for ten months. I took it off only about three times because of a few formal event where it would of been inappropriate for me to wear it. Well, sometime at the end of September its life came to an end, and it broke. I taped it to my door, but it was still a very sad day for me to see it break. For awhile I felt naked without it, and just a piece of me was missing.

It's very difficult for me to explain why this $1 piece of rubber meant so much to me... the best I can do is tell you that it was my tiny reminder of what my goals are, what I'm striving to achieve, and to make the best decisions for my health and overall well-being. It was there through all my struggles and accomplishments. I just.... I just needed another one. I live in a VERY small town now, so I couldn't find one anywhere. :( I decided to accept it until I made a day trip to Spokane and was able to go into a Sports Authority or some other place that I know would have it.

Well, yesterday I was hanging out by a river to watch my girls race (for the rowing team) and I was sitting on a bunch of rocks with them while they waited... I stood up to do something and my cell phone fell out of my pocket... under all the hundreds and hundreds of pounds of rocks and probably landed in water anyway. Ten of us tried to dig it out for about 45 minutes when I told them thank you, but we're not going to get it.

I loved that neon-purple phone, despite it being a piece of shit. Sasha Fierce may rest in peace. (I name all my inanimate objects by the way. My car is Kyle, my lap top is Murrow, and my camera is Jay Davis. Don't ask, I just do things.) haha :-p

So, my boyfriend went with my to Lewiston to get a new phone with my plan (T-Mobile)... oh, and Lewiston is a good hour away from Pullman.... and yes, that IS the closest T-Mobile store... I live in the country now, ha ha. I buy a good cheap phone, because I get a full upgrade anytime next month... So when I go home I'm going to buy a bitchen NEW phone. Ooooh I'm so excited for that, it's going to be CUTE. :-D But in the meantime I love my new phone, which my BF cleverly named 'Rufio', which is one of The Lost Boys in Peter Pan. He has red and black hair and has an attitude- my phone is red and black and totally has some sass.. so... Rufio fit. :-p

Nice story and all, but what does this have to do with liveSTRONG?

Well, after purchasing the phone (and the process took a long time, so I was a bit flustered and still upset from losing my phone... because I hate needing to stalk all my friends down and get numbers back.) And I see Matt is hiding something, he tells me I'll find out once we get back in my car. For no reason I'm a bit irritated, but we get in my car and I turn to him. He tells me to hold out my hand... and he drops a new liveSTRONG bracelet into my hand. Automatically, tears start running down my face. He just dropped my symbol of hope into my hand, and I didn't even see him buying it! I guess they had a bunch in the store and I didn't even notice! Ha, ha- it was the first time he saw me cry so he was a bit surprised. But I did my best to explain how much that meant to me- and the fact that he cared enough to remember and buy if for me makes it even more special. Even though I know he loves me, and he did not have to do something like this to make me believe him, but it definitely confirmed it for me, and it just adds to the incredibly long and building list of why I love him. Seriously, we're meant to be together. I can see myself with him for a long time. It's just SO REAL. :) Wonderful.


Happily I now have another liveSTRONG bracelet, and I feel powerful again. :)


Oh yeah, and HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!! HAVE A FUN DAY AND DO NOT EAT TOO MUCH CANDY!

(I wish I made this. Ha, ha!)

<3

Pointless Post.

I love my new background.


It is freaking simple and super cool.


Love love love it.


yay!

Thought Question.

So, I know you know that I'm obsessed with the musician Jason Mraz. He is not only one of my favorite artists, but he's kind of my spiritual guide (as strange as that sounds, but he is incredibly spiritual, open minded, generous and just.... awesome.) And he has these insightful questions of the day... so once or twice a week I'm going to answer what he asks. They're interesting things to think about. So. Yeah. :)

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Who could you be more generous with? What are you receiving today?


Due to the darker weather we've had in Eastern Washington (rain, dark clouds, little sun...) and the fact that it's that time of month when girls do not like being girls (sorry, Spenc)... I've been a bit more critical and negative lately. Which is awful, because that is NOT a part of my venture to *always* BE LOVE. Well, I am only human, right? :-/ But there is a girl that lives on my hall that I've been kinda bitching about behind her back... because she has a very strong personality and it's difficult to connect with her sometimes. In a way she makes me feel stupid about what I believe, my opinion on certain topics, and self-conscious about the music I listen to, the way I dress... etc... It's not like she does it on purpose, there are many wonderful things about her. She is a intelligent person, and she means well... but sometimes her delivery on some things is slightly demeaning without her really knowing it is. She just know what she believes in and she's very firm about it. If anything, my response to what she is saying is because even though I am becoming a more confident and strong individual, it is only human of my to still have some things I don't like about myself, and feelings of shame/doubt come up. It happens to everyone. It is how a person REACTS to something that matters, right?

I want to be more generous in accepting her in a more positive light. To free and let go of what bothers me and just understand what she's about. Be accepting. Be more generous toward her own Self/Person. Karma will only bite me in the ass if I continue to semi-bash her. She doesn't deserve that, she never meant to offend me. And if it REALLY bothers me, I can always approach her in a mature, adult manner- which she would appreciate and I would feel better about it.

I will receive only good things from looking at people in a good light. :)

Accept and let go. :)


<3 Be Love. <3

Gratitude.

In this moment I am grateful for:

my mom and dad

my brother Matt

boyfriend Matt

mariya, kayla, nadean, sari, alexandra, and beth

all the parts of my body, the eyes to see, ears that hear, nose that smells and mouth that speaks and smiles, soul that rejoices

coffee

cream/sugar

oatmeal

sunrises, fog and dew that whisper along the wheat fields

college

my health

water

bubbles, flowers, and balloons

love, love, and more love

The Hermit: to seek truth.

What disempowering story are you telling about yourself?


Lately I have been falling in the awful trap of "laziness" by telling myself I can do it tomorrow, when I know I wont have time tomorrow. I have not being going to the gym or writing in my Food Diary because I want my last 15 pounds to melt off my body. I'm still a tad bummed out that I didn't make the Varsity Rowing team, because they give you a personal trainer and I would of barely had to put any effort into shedding the last few pounds and toning my body.

But I started this on my own, I can finish it on my own. What's 40 pounds to 15?

I am strong, powerful, engaged. I will finish this.

Who is the easiest person to love in your life?

Anyone who is authentic and dedicated to their true Self. It's easy to be grateful and feel blessed for anything and anyone in your life, and to express that gratitude... even though sometimes life sucks, be grateful for what you have right now.

I can't pick an individual for this question. My family/friends are the easiest people to love.

I am sweet, youthful, and abundant.

What are you pretending?

This is a hard question for me to answer right now, because over the past few months I've been becoming truer to my authentic Self. I guess, on occasion, since I am a college student- it's easy to switch personalities based on who I'm around.

I use to pretend every minute of everyday. Before November, 2008- I would grab the mask of false joy everyday. As long as I kept making those around me smile and laugh, they never saw the true sadness I was feeling. Only a select few saw how truly miserable I was. (Those are the people that know me only too well.) :) Then I became invested in a journey toward self-discovery, awareness, and was determined to fill my body with not only love (I had plenty of that), but a love for myself. That healing process takes a long time, but you can do it.

I am honoring, thankful, and accepting.

What do you love about the rain?

I love the way it taps my window. The way the cold drops land on my face, and bring me a whole new awakening. Every drop feels like I am becoming more close to nature, like they're trying to take me to a higher self, bestowing a touch more wisdom on me. I love the way rain smells, how it seems to heighten the senses, everything has a smell all of a sudden. Rain is renewing.

I am refreshing, fulfilled, and renewed.


Where have you not been speaking up?

Over the past few days, I have been avoiding having a talk with my Self. I have been slacking on my path to ultimate health. Of all times, this is the last and most crucial phase. If I gained weight, the amount of disappointment I would feel would be... intolerable. It is time for me to recommit to myself, because I deserve the life I always dreamed about. I deserve the body I've always wanted. I deserve to look in the mirror and cry, because I know all the hard work it took me to get to that point. I deserve to be outrageously proud of myself. I deserve to live my life the way I want to life it. I deserve it.

I am deserving, beautiful, and dazzling.



What can you give thanks for today?

I am thankful for my daily affirmations (the I am...), for my supportive parents and brother, my friends/bf, for my eyes, lips, hands, legs, fingernails, eyelashes, body, mind, spirit, smile, laugh, music, photos, school, life, and you.


I am mindful, aware, and open.


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These are good questions to sit down and ask yourself. Try to take a moment to be genuine with yourself. It's interesting to see what comes up. :)


Be Love.